When someone does you wrong, how many chances do you give them? Are you one of those who gives up on a person the first time they mess up? Or do you give them multiple chances?
Of course there are many terrible circumstances where even one chance may have been too many. However, my focus here is on general day to day relationships; marriage, family, friends, co-workers, etc.
How many chances do we give them?
In my life, people have done me wrong more times than I can count. However, I am of the mindset that people can, and do change over time. Not everyone is the person that they once were.
Age, circumstances, illness and several other factors can change a person. I’ve seen it happen with my stepfather, who went from being an angry alcoholic to a loving, kind and sober grandfather.
Change has also happened in my life. I am certainly not the person I once was. To be given a second chance by those who I caused hurt in the past, would mean a lot to me.
Sadly, what I’ve discovered is that many people believe, “Who they were, is who they will always be.” When you’re faced with that situation it can be rather disappointing, because you know you’ve changed, but they refuse to see it.
Therefore, if I would like people to give me a second chance and I know how it feels for them not to, why then would I not do the same for someone else? How could I not give someone a chance to prove that they’ve changed? In my opinion, most people deserve that chance.
How many chances do you give?
“Typing my heart out” for Nano Poblano/NaBloPoMo.
Me - Who am I? 
I give second chances. Third. More. I want second chances. I know I’ve done wrong in my life, and I know I worked hard to become a better person, mewhoami. So can others, I figure.
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It is wonderful that you are a giver of many chances. People deserve that, as you know from experience, that people can indeed change.
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It is hard when people hold onto grudges and are not able to see things from the other persons perspective. Trying to understand why someone may have behaved in a certain way. It often has nothing to do with us if we were the one wronged. I think we hold onto the hurt feelings and it is hard to let go sometimes.
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I agree with you. It is the hurt feelings that cause people not to give second chances. A lot of it, I believe, could be solved through communication, which many people struggle with as well.
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I wrote a post about this recently. I think alot depends on the who, what, where and why but I base my decision to give another chance to people on their remorse for their actions.
If you recognise, admit and try to chance then yes I believe that you should be given another chance.
Obviously some people are not so forgiving. So the question should really be do you want a small minded unforgiving person as a ‘friend’?
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You’re right that there are many factors behind every situation. Some people can’t be given that second chance because of their own inability to change, or care for that matter. But, for those who do change or are at least working toward change, then like you, I believe they should be given that chance. As far as the unforgiving ones, it’s their loss. They lose out by being that way.
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Exactly 😉
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Honestly, it really does depend on the situation and the people involved. Two is my norm, but not the hard and fast rule.
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True. It definitely depends on what happened. Two is good, but even better that you are open to more, when you see fit.
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Okay, this is a great post, and it got me thinking. One of my best friends in the whole wide world, well, I felt like I kept giving him another chance. And another, and another.
Until I had an epiphany, I’m not giving him more chances, he is who he is, I hadn’t been accepting of that. So, while I thought I was giving him chances, what I was really doing was giving myself more chances. He didn’t need more chances, He didn’t need to improve or be better, I had to learn to accept him as he was.
That has helped me out tremendously. So, reversely, I hope that many others give themselves another chance for me! 🙂
(yes, I recognize that frequently the other person has actually messed up, and that the post does have a specific audience. I am just pointing out how many times I felt my BFF had messed up, when he hadn’t, he just hadn’t acted in a way I wanted/expected him to!)
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Kate, I appreciate your comment for a few reasons. But, primarily because there are many people out there who I believe have gone or are currently going through similar situations.
So often we want to blame others, by looking at who they are compared to who we believe they should be. When in fact, it’s not them at all. It’s us who needs to be accepting of who they are.
I’ve been there too, and when I realized what I was doing it was a real eye opener. It completely changed my perspective, my life. This was a great addition. Thank you.
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Thank you for sharing and acknowledging!
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I’m fair and extend a lot of rope, IF I feel there is opportunity/promise and a collective learning experience involved.
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That’s a good point. We must choose if it is worth the risk or not.
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I don’t know that I’ve ever counted or kept track. I hope I give chances, as I know they’ve been extended to me. Fantastic post and questions MeWhoAmI.
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It’s good not to keep track. That keeps us from getting burnt out, or even worse – bitter. Bitterness is a terrible thing. It’s good to give to others what we would we would like for ourselves, including chances and forgiveness.
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Lessons we (should) all learn as kids. Why is it we forget so many of these lessons until much later in life????
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I think the answer is as many chances as you think the person is worth and/or as many as you feel comfortable giving without feeling like a fool who has been taken advantage of.
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That’s a good answer. Every situation is different and each one requires that we use wisdom.
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It is always important to remember people can change, and because they were someone you knew 20 years earlier doesn’t mean that is who they are today. Love this post! I agree with Kate that sometimes you can’t just keep giving chances, the person will never change, so we must accept it or move on.
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Exactly. People do change. It would be unfair of us to hold someone to who they were years prior. Like you said also, there are some people who never change, unfortunately.
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I have given many chances until I realized that I made a nice doormat. I have changed, and continue to do so. I recognize the changes in others, and I’ve recognized that they will see me as they always have. My choice is to let the relationship go if it begins to hurt me more.
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In those cases, sometimes it is best to let go of the relationship. The one thing no one needs, is to surround themselves with people who don’t have any faith in them and who refuse to see the changes being made.
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I usually do the baseball thing. You know, three strikes and you’re out. Noticed that I said ‘usually’. Somethings I can’t even give a second chance for and other things that I’ll give a million chances for. But, as I said, three times sound right in most cases. Once to learn, once to forget and remember and the 3rd one with a strict warning.
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The baseball thing is a good base standard to have, I suppose. It’s good that you are willing to give more if needed, and less if seen that it will do no good. Like you, there are many that I’ve given multiple chances to and ones that I stop with. For them though, it’s almost always a sad letting go, wishing that they would change but knowing that there’s nothing I can do about it.
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I give second chances but blow it the second time and I will be rethinking my opinion of you.
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That makes sense. It’s hard to get hurt over and over again, especially knowing that it could have been avoided. But, giving up on people is hard too.
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