When Love Turns to Hate

couple love hateHow is it that a person can be head over heels in love with someone one day and then hate them the next?

To begin this post let’s take a look at a few divorce statistics from divorcestatistics.org:

  • 45 – 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce
  • 60 – 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce
  • 70 – 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce

Now, please don’t misunderstand. There are some situations in which marriages cannot be saved and in some cases it may even be a matter of life or death. The fact of the matter is, is that people get divorced for hundreds of reasons every day.

However, the typical reasons as to why people choose this path are generally due to lack of communication, difference of priorities and interests, financial issues and parenting styles. Looking at these reasons, none of them seem serious enough to cause one spouse to hate the other. Yet, it happens.

All too often I hear about marriages ending up in a long drawn out court battle. Besides child support, which I feel should always be a requirement, people go after each other for practically anything and everything they can get their hands on. It is as if their whole mission in life suddenly becomes trying to do every thing in their power to make the other person’s life miserable. Why is that? Do people forget that they were once in love with this person that they are now trying to destroy?

I imagine that the couple went out on numerous dates, waiting with anticipation for that first kiss and then for the day to finally hear or say “I love you.” Butterflies and hearts racing soon leading them to the exciting day when they exchange their vows. Then after a year, or 10, or 20 that heart warming “I love you” transforms into “I hate everything about you.”

People waste so much time and energy being bitter. Why? Can they not just move on? Do they not realize that while they’re out trying to destroy their ex, they’re completely throwing away their own life? Furthermore, do they not realize that they are the one who chose them in the first place and that surely they made mistakes too? No one is perfect. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break it. Therefore, let it go. Move on. Forgive.

As a divorcee myself, I write this from experience. I got married right out of high school and neither of us were ready. We both made mistakes. It wasn’t just him. It was also me and I realized that. There is no way that I would hold a grudge against him, for something we both had a part in. Even if it was just him, I still wouldn’t, simply because I remember that at one time I loved him. I must have. After all, I married him, right?

I was also in a very, very controlling relationship for a few years. Even though I didn’t marry him, thankfully, I hold no bitterness in my heart towards him. Quite honestly, I could see him today and I would be completely at peace. Again, because I chose him for a reason. It wasn’t just him who made mistakes. It was me also, for choosing him to begin with.

In all fairness, because I truly would like some opinions on this I will ask you, my fellow bloggers this question. How is it that a person can love someone one day and hate them the next, wanting to completely destroy their life?

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88 Responses to When Love Turns to Hate

  1. Wow..that is a big, big question. I have never hated any of my ex’s (I’ve had 3) or been mad enough to want to destroy their lives. Plaintiff No. 1. came close, I must admit, when he tried to take my children from me. Even then, I felt his pain at losing his kids because we had made so many mistakes in our marriage.

    Bitterness sometimes comes in to play during a divorce and unfortunately, divorce court is a breeding ground for lawyers with a “leave the ex penniless” approach. I sometimes wonder if judges made all couples filing for divorce go through counseling prior to hearing their case, divorce rates might go down.

    I have always thought that if the state would charge the same rate for a marriage license as a divorce lawyer does to end the marriage..that would drastically change those statistics. It would make people think a lot harder before jumping into a doomed marriage.

    But, that’s just me!

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      Thank you very much for your comment. I can imagine the anger you felt when #1 tried to take your children. That would be difficult, but it’s great that you through it all, you were still able to have understanding and compassion for how he was feeling as well.

      I agree that court is definitely a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness and it seems as though lawyers feed off of that. The more angry they can get their clients, the longer the court battle will be, which in turn gives the lawyer much more money. Plus, the harder the trial the better they look at the end if they win. But, on the flipside the couple and their children have to pay for it emotionally and sometimes for many years.

      Getting married is made to be so simple and it requires very little thought beforehand. So, I agree that if they raised the cost of the license people would give it much more thought.

      It is a big question and I truly appreciate your thoughts.

      Like

  2. Love could easily become hate when we want to hold on to a marriage that can no longer be. When there is no communication, no respect towards each other, lack of interest for the partner’s feelings then we can begin to bottle up feelings mixed with resentment and that is when we explode and begin to hate our partner.

    Thankfully when my first marriage ended and we fought in court over child support. One day as I headed towards court, my parents drove me and as I sat in the back seat I decided I would fight no more. In seconds I felt different. I felt that something heavy had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew the task of taking care of my two kids on my own would not be easy, that day I walked into the court room and I decided to take the $100 a month and leave all feelings of resentment and just moved on. I can honestly say it was the best thing I did. I have no feelings whatsoever towards my first husband, no love, no hate, nothing he is now someone who gave me two kids and that is it. He on the other hand hates my guts and does not live in peace because the few times we have spoken he always tries to find a way of hurting me. Little does he know I don’t allow that to happen.

    It’s weird how we can take the love we once felt for that person and turn it into hate just because we don’t want to admit that it is over. All the fighting, all the disrespect, all the court hearings, all the cursing over the phone will not make the marriage survive. So I may have come to conclusion that the person hating is actually loving and hurting so much that he/she is willing to hurt the other person as a way of holding on to what once was.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. mewhoami says:

    That is a great perspective for such a sensitive topic. I had never actually thought of the person who is being so hateful as maybe just not knowing how to deal with their own hurt. But, that makes a ton of sense. People unfortunately, have a tendency to take their pain out on others.

    On the other end, you mentioned that it can be easy for love to transform to hate when you spend all your time and energy on trying to make a marriage work. That can definitely cause bitterness.

    However, I think it’s very admirable of you that you were able to put the anger behind you and to let go. It does make a world of difference. Thank you very much for commenting on this.

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  4. I truly believe that the reason they “hate,” each other so much is because they might feel as if the other person owes them. When you fall in love, have dates, make memories, get married, start a family, and your life revolves around them and then you are divorce, for reasons that probably could had been talk about, they may feel as if they have stolen their entire life and threw it away. That is why it could go days, weeks, and years in court because deep down inside they still have love for each other and at that point they just want to make the other feel miserable.

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  5. mewhoami says:

    Thank you very much for your comment. I like your point of view. Perhaps it is that they feel that they are owed. It would be easy to feel as though they have wasted years of their life on something that didn’t work out.

    I think it is so important though, to realize that even when things don’t turn out as planned, good things still came from those years. Whether it be children, self discovery or lessons to take with them, there is always something positive in every situation. Only sometimes it is difficult for people to see that because of their hurt.

    Also, I agree with you that many of the reasons for divorce could be resolved if only couples would take the time to really communicate with each other. Sadly, for many people it is so much easier to let their emotions take over and just give up and throw in the towel.

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  6. Bob Gillis says:

    Although I don’t hate my stbx wife, I am having difficulty liking her. after almost 30 years together, putting her through college 3 times and letting her choose to work or not, etc through the entire marriage, she has stolen our entire savings, taken our house, half my retirement and still expects alimony, though she makes almost as much as I do and because of the degrees she can actually make more than I can. I tried to save our marriage, but was unaware that there was someone else, she filed after a year and a half when I stopped giving her money. So now that I am on-board, I tried for a fair settlement, but she feels she is entitled to everything because I always gave her my paycheck.I then offered her everything to let me walk away without alimony, figuring at least I could rebuild all that Ive given up to make it, less chaotic and destructive. She refused mediation has gone directly to a gladiator type lawyer and has become the most hateful and bitter person Ive ever known. I keep trying to keep things amicable, but to no avail. I feel if anyone should be hateful it should be me as I am the one left behind. I haven’t a clue why she is so hateful now. If you ever find a definitive answer, Id give my right arm to know.

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    • Don Dressel says:

      Wow your ex sounds just like mine
      Even though she was online chatting with other men and treating me like crap and wanting to run off with these men she blamed me for everything
      She bought a home and I have to live with my mom because she ended up with 350 thousand and I got 55 thousand
      She texted a picture of her realtor handing her keys to her new home with both of them with big smiles on their faces
      She is the most evil self-centered woman I have ever known
      Your ex might have mine beat though!
      Just remember do not let her get to you because kindness kills!!!!
      All I texted her back when I got the picture was congratulations I’m happy for you

      Like

      • mewhoami says:

        Don, it’s disappointing to hear that your marriage ended on such a bad note. I’ve never understood why people feel the need to be so rotten and hateful toward their former spouses. I’m sorry that she was able to get away with so much and for being so evil-minded about it, but good for you for not letting her win.

        Like

        • Don Dressel says:

          Thank you so much for your reply
          I do have my bad times though
          I was so good to her and I will not understand ever why she turned on me so much?
          I don’t wish ill will on her but everyone including her family are so angry with her as she cut them off also
          She moved to another state and cut off all contact with all of us except for an occasional text
          I’m rebuilding my life and the only answer I ever received from her was that I took her independence away from her
          I have never met an evil and angry woman in my life!
          24 years together and she turned on me like a mad dog!
          I was good to her and she even told me so
          Someday I know I’ll forget about her and the hell she put me through!!!!

          Like

  7. mewhoami says:

    Bob,

    After being together for nearly 30 years, I cannot imagine how this entire situation must be making you feel. That’s not only a loss of a wife, but of a long-standing friend. The best answer I’ve heard yet, is they may still have love in their heart and instead of them admitting it, they transform it into anger. It could be also, that your ex is not actually bitter against you. Rather, she may be bitter against herself. Sometimes people believe the grass is greener on the other side, but once they get there they realize that they were wrong. Unfortunately, by then their pride won’t allow them to admit their mistake. So, they take their frustration out on their easiest target, which is most often the one they left behind. Or, she could simply just be angry with life in general. Who knows. Every situation is different.

    I wish you the best and all I can say is, stay strong. I’ll end with this quote, “He who angers you, controls you.” Be careful to not let her bitterness and anger turn you into someone you are not. Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your situation.

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  8. Pingback: Love and Hate – Search Terms Revealed | Me - Who am I?

  9. A post I’m sure many can relate to. Thanks for the like on my OM interview.

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  10. Pingback: Love and Hate – Search Terms Revealed | Me - Who am I?

  11. i wonder if it’s not a sense of self-hating transferred. We do not like to fail, to lose, to relinquish hope. When this happens we are often more disappointed with ourselves. But who’s going to show that? Easier to hate the other and vent bitterness there. Maybe?x

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      I think you may be on to something. You’re right. People don’t like to fail and when they do it’s much easier to place the blame (or in this case, the anger and disappointment) on someone else.

      Like

      • I know I like to blame others for my own problems at times till I realise what I’m doing and pull it back. A lot of it can be down to ourselves. Maybe yes, maybe a combination. But food for thought anyway, eh? :)x

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  12. Unfortunately…….I think too many people fall “in lust”! Not naming any names……just saying a lot of folks!

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  13. ImeldaImelda says:

    That’s a good question. My thinking is by hating the other person, one maybe unconsciously diverting his/her self anger towards the other. Plus, one may want to exact revenge for the pain. And then, there can be that false sense of what is fair and just.
    Just my two cents. All I ‘m sure is,it is painful to watch a relationship crumble.

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      I believe that each of those could be the reason, based upon individual situations. After all, each one is different and fails for it’s own reasons. I too agree, that whatever the case may be, it is hard to watch relationships fall apart.

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  14. Glynis Jolly says:

    Are there all that many marriage that end in BITTER divorce? Do people always get married because they love each other? To both of these questions I say NO. When I divorced my first husband (still married to my second husband – 23 years now), there wasn’t any bitterness. In fact, I was the one to ask the judge to give my ex-husband lenient visitation rights with our son. When my parents got married, neither one was in love but thought they would grow to love each other. They tried to make their marriage work for 25 years before they finally got a divorce that was extremely civil as far as emotions go.

    Marriage can be difficult even under the best conditions because of outside influences.

    (Yes, I’m still in love with my husband.)

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    • mewhoami says:

      Given the many broken relationships I’ve seen and the large number of people who have been led here from their search results for “love turns to hate”, I would have to say, yes. Many marriages end in a bitter divorce. The fact that you and your ex were able to make it civil is wonderful. I was the same with mine. Everything from start to finish, and even to this day, has been peaceful between us. Unfortunately, many others are not as lucky as you and I.

      As for your parents, that is very commendable that they married without loving each other and still managed to make it work for so many years. You are right, all marriages can be difficult. There are none that are perfect. But, we continue on with love, and understanding.

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  15. Many people mistake passion for love. When the passion subsides, there isn’t anything of substance to build a marriage upon. Love and hate are so closely related anyway. If a person truly loves another, then finds they aren’t loved in return, the pain can be hard to take. Sometimes, we just want the cause of our hurt to feel our hurt. And, finally, two people can really be in love, but they are too different to live together peaceably. They file for divorce, knowing the other person will move on and this is painful. The fighting is a way to keep the connection.

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    • mewhoami says:

      I agree with all your points. Each of these could be a reason. Your first one I especially agree on. I think that this is the cause in most failed relationships. They were built on a weak foundation and when the storms come, there is little to hold them together.

      I wonder sometimes if it truly is hate, or if acting that way is just a person’s way of coping. Love can make people act very irrational, both good and bad.

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      • Love does have the power to crush the mind of a person or to help them grow outward. Each person will respond differently, of course. Hate is a powerful emotion. There can be no hate if there had not first been love. Love becomes toxic when one of the spouses allows little things to eat him/her up without saying anything. Those things we internalize become a cancer, eroding all healthy aspects of a relationship. I believe the hate is real, but it can not exist without love.
        I hope this isn’t as confusing as it sounds.

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        • mewhoami says:

          That is not confusing at all. It makes absolute sense. You can’t have one without the other. Bitterness can escalate to hate if it is allowed to go on for too long. That is exactly why communication is so important in a relationship. Even if no resolution can be found, they can at the very least, agree to disagree and move on. Relationships are not black and white though. There are many elements that reside in the grey area. Each relationship is different and each person responds differently.

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  16. libby medina says:

    From personal experience, my love turned from finding out my husband lied to me about his friendships with other women; his lies about money ; affairs, lying and cheating and deceiving.

    Love turns to hatred through betrayal that violates the receivers mental capacity to believe, process, or understand.

    It is a form of self protection.

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    • mewhoami says:

      Libby, I agree that it is a form of self protection. An instant wall is put up when someone causes that deep of a hurt. I can see where hate would come into play if the person you love and trust betrays you in such a way. I’m sorry that this situation happened to you.

      Like

    • I think that when a person leads you to believe they are someone they are not, the resulting feeling is one of utter disgust. I was eaten away at the core by the disgust I felt at having given so much and being led to believe this or that was true when it wasn’t at all. Now I watch action more than words.

      Liked by 1 person

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  18. Hollywood has reshaped love and marriage. In 120 minutes we get the story of man meets beautiful woman, woman is swept off her feet by handsome man, they gallop through romance, courtship, and wind up married happily ever after. It’s the Cinderella fairy-tale on steroids! Because of the movies, our expectations of passionate love, romance, etc. are unrealistically high. Film promotes the idea that those wild and crazy, lusty feelings are sustainable! When the hormones in real life settle down, there is a feeling of disappointment, even betrayal, and ‘love’ dies. That’s a terribly simplistic description, but a failure to meet expectations is a huge factor in failed marriages.

    There’s a book called, A General Theory of Love, by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D., and Richard Lannon, M.D. It describes what happens in the psyche when someone ‘falls in love’ and what changes in the brain over the ensuing months. If you want the scientific explanation, I recommend that book!

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    • mewhoami says:

      You have made some excellent points here. You’re right. From early childhood we are shown portrayals of ideal families, with smiles planted on their faces and love abounding. There are no arguments, no disagreements and no hard times. Marriage looks amazing and fun! Then, reality hits. There are problems and disagreements. It’s not all rosy and people don’t know how to deal with it. It’s not the marriage they watched in the movies. It’s real life and real life relationships require real work.

      Thank you for the book recommendations. I love scientific reads! Also, thank you for the wonderful comment.

      Like

  19. candyquill says:

    I think communication is the key in making any relationship work. I don’t know how love turns to hate, but it probably arises from the need to avenge for the pain and shattered dreams from a failed relationship. What really kills a relationship is the grudges that we keep inside and let them build over the years. I feel it’s best to resolve any issue as soon as it comes up and then move on, skeletons in the closet can be very damaging to relations. I have also noticed that hollywood, disney and media in general have given us very high expectations of love. For some reason, we also feel that life owes it to us to give us the best. When reality hits us in the face, it costs us our happiness and sometimes a potentially wonderful companionship.

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    • mewhoami says:

      Candy,

      You are right about communication. It is key and any issue or disagreement that’s left to sit on the back burner is bound to become a problem. Communication is such a simple concept, yet it’s so difficult for people to maintain it. I agree about grudges. Bitterness, if not gotten rid of, grows and grows over time, until there is very little that can be done to change it. It’s like a disease. Once it spreads too much, it’s harder to cure. Losing that companionship/friendship is the saddest part, especially when it could have been avoided. Thank you so much for your comment! (I’m sorry it took so long to reply, as I thought I had already. Replying via smart phones isn’t so smart apparently.)

      Like

  20. As an answer to your question, ASK MY EX-HUSBAND, HE COULD TELL YOU! πŸ˜€ Great post I have the same question. The only answer I could come up with is “pride.”

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      I completely agree. Pride brings hate, because people aren’t willing to say, I’m wrong, I’m sorry, or even forgive one another.

      Like

      • Jayne says:

        In some it might be pride, but usually it’s narcissism. The one who ‘hates’ the most tends to be the one with the narcissistic problems. As one psychologist friend put it, ‘they have a ‘how-dare-they-do-this-to-me’ attitude towards the whole break-up because their partner was an ego-boosting ‘possession’.

        Much safer to avoid romantic relationships entirely. You never know what sort of back-stabbing fruitcake someone could turn into.

        Like

        • mewhoami says:

          Back stabbing fruit cake… Ha! That’s great, but true. I don’t know if avoidance is the answer, but choosing cautiously certainly doesn’t hurt. I agree with you. Narcissism is probably a much better description.

          Like

        • isoldesheart says:

          I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone mention ‘narcissism’ in this context before, but upon reflection, it makes a great deal of sense and would seem to explain so much.

          It’s sad, isn’t it, when ex’s turn as cold as ice and refuse to be friends. It’s almost as though you somehow threaten their very existence by even suggesting it.

          Like

  21. H. Sak says:

    “It is not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
    Nietzsche

    Love and hate are extremely closely related, ask any psychologist.

    Like

  22. 80smetalman says:

    I was once told that love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. Having been through a divorce myself, I believe that. But I can say that I have stopped hating my ex and we are more or less friends.

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      I’ve never heard that, but it sounds about right. It’s good to know that you have made peace with your ex. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to be friends after going through such an ordeal.

      Like

  23. Jacqueline says:

    Maybe, Love turns to I hate everything about you because you are repeatedly hurt. and it’s not healthy to experience pain all over again.

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      That is true. It is never healthy to experience pain. I suppose after a person deals with so much, their love eventually can turn into hate. A person can only put up with so much.

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  24. Lots of insightful answers here, and I believe many, perhaps all of them are true. To expand a bit, I became aware after my divorce, that anger was easier to feel than sadness or fear. Anger, which is closely related to hate, and one of the early stages of grief, gives a feeling of power that is not real power. Sadness and fear make us feel vulnerable. Another factor may be that it’s easier to leave someone if you focus on all the things you dislike or hate about them. In time, I had to learn to forgive my X husband and myself to make room for a healthy marriage.

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    • mewhoami says:

      This was also very insightful. I believe that you are absolutely right. Anger is an easy emotion to feel and helps us to separate ourselves from those we must. Forgiveness is certainly important too. That is the only way that we can truly move on. Thank you for adding this comment. Your shared experience and thoughts are very helpful.

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  25. I don’t hate anyone. My first real relationship lasted twelve years and we were best friends right up until he died of cancer in 2008. I was fortunate to have fallen in love with a man who was practically raised by Buddhist monks. The problem became the next relationship, because I knew what it was to be loved by a selfless person who knew give and take, someone who didn’t complain and enjoyed the small aspects of life. My next relationship was with an overbearing, insecure and practically grudgingly impossible person. Bad communication, anger management problems, bursts of violence, not to mention that he misrepresented himself entirely from the beginning. But I was naive.

    Still, I didn’t hate him. Disgusted, yes. Disgusted with myself for not leaving the relationship sooner–yes.

    Now, having finally pulled out of all of that, I am on number three. It’s tough. I can’t see myself ever hating this man, for I do not hate the last. I don’t understand the hate part, either. I think it stems from selfishness. I can always be friends, but with the last man it was for the best that we are not, I suppose. I think being an angry person makes one bitter.

    I’m determined to make this my last, to do things right. Of course, I was last time, too, but the other party was impossible. That’s the Catch-22. We cannot make the relationship work all alone. It takes two.

    I hear people of who spent a decade together divorce and never speak again. To me that’s just weird, but it seems to be the norm.

    Liked by 1 person

    • mewhoami says:

      Your experiences definitely add to this post, to the question at hand. You had many chances to be hateful, but never were. That’s very commendable. Like you said, anger makes a person bitter. I heard a statement once, “Being bitter is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die from it.” People poison themselves with bitterness and hatred, when they should just let it go and move on. Life is life and all works out at the end.

      I do hope that your current relationship will work out beautifully. You are right though – it takes two. Both parties must be willing to make it work. Wish you two the best! Thank you so much for your comment.

      Like

      • Thank you. πŸ™‚ We both know and admit our weaknesses and what we need to work on, so are developing strategies to work through these things together. We recognize that at a certain age we come to the point where we don’t want to be hurt anymore and so it’s more difficult to invest as much as we may have before. But we both know we are worth it and that makes us willing.

        Liked by 1 person

  26. This is a good question. When I left my husband he did everything in his power to make my life miserable. He even remarried one year after our divorce and he still continued it. We were exchanging the kids one day for visitation rights and he told me he was happier than he had ever been in his life. But he STILL continued making my life miserable. If he was that much happier why wasn’t he ‘worshipping’ me instead?

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    • mewhoami says:

      That’s a great question too. Why was he so intent on making your life miserable if he was supposedly so much happier? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Maybe he was trying to convince himself that he was happier when in fact he really wasn’t?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I alway thought it was an “ego” thing. I honestly can’t answer that question.

        Like

        • writingbolt says:

          If I may offer a thought…

          The vengeful tactics your ex exhibited seem to mimic an unhappy pet. Pets that don’t like their owners may act out until you send them packing. He wasn’t content with something IN the relationship and acted out. Then, “kicked to the curb,” (whether you or he himself did the kicking even if it wasn’t kicking) he lashed back, hoping to get a reaction (like a kid threatening to run from home). He was unhappy AFTER/OUTSIDE what he wanted to work failed.

          Coming to a resolution isn’t always pretty. Storms knock down trees and trash houses before they’re done. Can we honestly stop them? Or, do we just weather the storms as best we can? Can we be prepared for the worst or just cope with whatever may come. I guess the best solution may be to become great surfers who can ride any wave or paddle to shore when we are thrown.

          Sometimes, adults act like children or animals.

          Liked by 2 people

  27. amommasview says:

    One of the big mysteries in this world…

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  28. lbeth1950 says:

    Sometimes it’s hard to see that far down the road.

    Like

  29. Jeremy says:

    I recently had my love turn to hate with my ex-fiance – mother of my 1.5 year old son.
    When I learned about all of the lies/manipulation/cheating – I lost it. I was so hurt that my intense love and admiration had no where to go, but to hate. How could anyone love a monster like her? Come to find she is a classic Narcissist. Just a human wrecking ball with no heart. She filled me up with hope and fantasies about having a family together. Then one day her switch went off and all of our dreams with it.
    I don’t want to hate, I don’t want to give her the energy or the time of day. However – I am currently in this stage of anger.

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    • mewhoami says:

      Jeremy, I am very sorry to hear this. I can certainly see why such a turn-around in behavior and a loss in trust can result in such harsh feelings. You think you know someone, only to find out that you don’t. I can’t imagine the anger you must feel, but it is understandable. I hope that your son never gets thrown in the middle of this mess, but instead is able to have the happy (as much as possible) childhood that he deserves.

      Like

  30. hsampson says:

    Wow wonderful post and insights! A very delicate subject (to me al least right now).
    Thank you for sharing it!

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  31. writingbolt says:

    Talk about a long comment trail!

    If we took money out of the equation, marriage statistics would greatly improve. It’s usually money that becomes the ammunition of hate/spite. Arguments over who makes the most or who doesn’t earn enough…fights over what we spend money on, etc. It’s ugly business. And, when other parties get involved, lawyers, child support enforcers, pre-nup instigators, etc…it just gets worse.

    Once we remove money from the equation, then remains the matter of why these two people got married before fully knowing each other from the prettiest to the ugliest detail. And, even then, if we think we know the other person, how do you know you can get along with them in the same living space?

    In short, too many people rush in like fools, eager to party and get benefits before laying the foundation. And, sometimes, the rush comes from outside pressures, aging, biological clock, etc.

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    • mewhoami says:

      Yes, money is a major issue. Second to that, is the couple’s rash decision to get into a committed relationship and then their failure to take the time needed to truly learn each other. I’ve learned that the first few years of marriage are the most difficult, because that is the learning phase. Once you get past those years, however, you’ll learn that the marriage was well worth holding onto – in most cases anyway. There will still be problems of course, but having a steady marriage is much better than jumping from one relationship to the other. People don’t like to wait though. They don’t like to put forth the effort it takes to keep a marriage together. For many, marriage is only a game. Once they lose one level of the game they get bitter and quit. Marriage is worth working on.

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      • writingbolt says:

        Sometimes even those who would argue money is not a problem don’t even see it affecting the situation. You could go to work and lose your job because of emotional distress at home…and then lash out at the ex because you are mad at yourself for losing your job and what all goes with that. Money is a big, bad domino we really don’t need on our backs.

        So, then, you are married and questioning your relationship security?

        What are most cases?

        Some would disagree. Some who dodge marriage and flit from one person to the next might argue that their life is just as pleasurable without the concerns that come with commitment and broken ties.

        Again, people who jump into marriage without checking all the wires first are often pressured in some way to advance their “status” to fit a norm. It’s kind of like a kid being enticed to buy a toy from a commercial and then realize it’s only really worth five minutes of fun even if every kid in the town has it, too.

        I don’t think too many people go into marriage thinking it’s a game…unless, maybe, you’re a Kardashian with a backup plan for a cash settlement per divorce with the next sports star.

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        • mewhoami says:

          I don’t think that they consciously look at it like a game, but that is how it’s often treated. Perhaps you’re right in that some people would like to have the freedom to date whomever they choose, rather than be committed to one person. But, I think that in the long run most people would rather know that they have someone at home who is committed to them and who they can count on to still be there tomorrow. There is safety in that. People may say they enjoy ‘freedom’, but with that freedom there is so much that they miss out on, in my opinion. I love the feeling of security I get from my marriage. We’ve made it through the rough patches and have come out stronger because of our willingness to be patient with one another. I can look back now at our learning phase and say that I’m very happy that we survived it. It took work, but the pay off has been well worth it.

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          • writingbolt says:

            You could be right, just as I eluded with the money not being seen directly as a factor. Perhaps, the children within the adults act out like in a game.

            In our hearts, we want to have strong connections to others of the species. Just as other species interact, I am sure. But, so many influences seem to drive people as much apart as they bring them together. Something keeps people from staying connected. It could even be genetic like a disease history.

            It would seem too many choose their safety person improperly.

            Indeed, there is little to no romance in remaining single. Not to mention, how many start repeating the same “tricks” with every date? Pretty soon, people are talking, and your style is fingerprinted. Don’t date that guy; he gives every gal a rose to make them think they are special.

            Yes, I get the feeling I’ve met you before.

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            • mewhoami says:

              There certainly are a lot of forces that drive people apart. But, it’s those people who stay strong and don’t allow those forces to take control of their marriage, who stay together the longest. We have to figure out what our priorities are and then work to keep them in line. I agree with you about the same old tricks. Some are very obvious and quite funny actually.

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              • writingbolt says:

                But, wouldn’t you also say that fighting to preserve some marriages may be more torture than necessary? Are some couples fighting to stay together like some work task instead of actually loving each other as initially desired? When I hear the word “work” too often, marriage sounds more like coal mining than anything else. If marriage is two people working to build a business or mass produce merchandise, it might as well be a business. Just the thought of that sucks the life out of me….

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                • mewhoami says:

                  If the marriage truly isn’t worth holding onto, then perhaps. In order to be successful, marriage requires work and effort just like anything else in life. A person can’t expect to go into a marriage and everything be easy. There will be hard times and it’s during those times that the ‘work’ is needed. If a couple just lets everything flow and never puts any effort into their marriage then eventually it will fail. Marriage shouldn’t suck the life out of anyone. It should make life richer, more complete and more satisfying. I wrote a post today regarding this conversation and included a link to your blog. I really should have asked for your permission first, but I’ve learned that most bloggers enjoy the additional readers and the conversations that go along with that. If you do mind, please tell me so I can remove the link.

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                  • writingbolt says:

                    Define “anything else in life.”

                    I think it’s as easy to say everything takes work as it is to say something should be effortLESS.

                    I guess I am still a bit of an idealist/perfectionist and thinking, with the right preparation, any marriage decision should be prepared for what could happen, not going through the hard times surprised they are happening.

                    I think the only way a “go with the flow” marriage should fail is if 1) the couple is not spending any time together and letting other good-looking faces steal their time (verging on an affair) or 2) Well, I had a 2 and then forgot it. There’s also the thought of paperwork being neglected by two people who don’t like doing it…but that seems like a special case. And, it would be sad if paperwork tore a couple apart.

                    Well, at least you got the “make life richer” part. And, that’s my counter to the work business. If the work exceeds the enrichment of good feelings, of being loved and having a delightful companion in your space….then why be married to this person?

                    No problem about the linking business. But, thanks for mentioning it. I do enjoy good manners. πŸ™‚

                    Like

                    • mewhoami says:

                      I completely agree with you on that the work should not exceed the positive aspects of marriage. Maybe work should be replaced with maintenance. A marriage is like a car – it can’t run well without regular maintenance. The work comes into play during those hard times that you mentioned. Those aren’t meant to be easy and even though we should be prepared for them, they can still require work for us to get through them. In life, especially when times get hard, it’s easier to through in the towel than it is to stay in the game. That takes self-discipline and a willingness to keep pushing forward. That’s where the work comes into play. But again, the good times should certainly outweigh the bad. Thank you for letting me link your blog.

                      Like

                    • writingbolt says:

                      Hmm-hmm. Like a car, ay? I wish I had a woman to TUNE UP. πŸ˜€ I could go on with about a dozen innuendos/metaphors off that one.

                      I say if work is necessary, be sure the couple is seasoned in that type of work early on. If the work shows up near or after the first anniversary, the couple is not prepared. Going into marriage, the couple should have some idea of how to work through a rough patch. If they’ve never had one, maybe they need to arrange/stage one. Same goes with having kids. Maybe parents need to take a fake baby class or stage their own “home ec” class.

                      Throw in the towel. I go through paper towels quickly. πŸ˜›

                      Also, maybe if the couple works out a fail-safe plan in advance, they can have a system of actions to take in the case of a marital meltdown (like a fire drill). Maybe they agree (or COMMIT) to having a pillow fight or wrestling match…or go to the paintball range. Something to safely duke it out and then get back to work and having fun.

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                    • mewhoami says:

                      It is a good idea for a couple to be prepared for the challenges that may lie ahead, but some challenges come into a marriage unexpectedly. A couple must be well-bonded and have a strong foundation. Perhaps marriage isn’t for everyone, but when you find a good spouse, the few bad times are well worth it in exchange for all the many many good times you’ll have.

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                    • writingbolt says:

                      I am inclined to doubt the bonds and foundations that precede marriage unless the couple has had a long courtship and plenty of time together during that period. If the courtship is short, I recommend laying down a contingency plan for dealing with upsets; something that makes both partners comfortable…like having a plan for coping with a fire or insurance plan.

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  32. Pingback: Your Thoughts – Marriage or Not? | Me – Who am I?

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