Many years ago I had a best friend. Well, she was a friend. I was a terrible one. It just took me a while to figure that out. Unfortunately, by the time I did, she had already cut all ties with me.
A few years ago, I sent her a message through social media to apologize for her being angry with me and for whatever it was that I did to cause it. Although I had good intentions, what I really did was apologize for her behavior, not my own. Needless to say, her response was not what I was hoping for. But, it was appropriate given all that I should have said, but didn’t.
Last night, 7 years after that message, she came to me in a dream. I was so thrilled to see her. We smiled and laughed. It was the best dream I’ve had in a long time. Oh, how I missed her. The best part of all, was that she had finally forgiven me.
This morning I woke up with her on my mind. All day I’ve been stopping myself from sending her another message; a much better one than the first.
Over the past 15 years, I’ve learned a lot about myself and who I used to be, including a lot of qualities that I didn’t like. One of which, was that I was an awful friend; not only to her, but to everyone. As a young adult, friendship was a matter of convenience for me. When I needed a friend, I had one. When I didn’t or when I didn’t ‘have time’ for them, I pushed them to the side.
I realize this now and I would like her to know that. But, all day I’ve been battling with mental road blocks. “What’s the point? She’ll either get angry again or ignore my message altogether.”
So I asked myself, “What do you want to accomplish through this?”
After happy thoughts of long-distance friendship (she’s moved far away) and catching up with one another, the final answer was simply … her forgiveness.
I suppose that’s all I really want; for her to know that I’m truly sorry and that I’ve learned what a terrible friend I was. I simply want her forgiveness.
But, am I brave enough? Should I just let it go? For her, will it stir up needless feelings of anger?
I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t like the idea of someone out there holding bitterness in their heart toward me or thinking that I’m just the same ole’ rotten person I used to be.