Would you rather commit yourself to marriage or live a life of dating? This question is inspired by a rather interesting conversation I had yesterday with a fellow blogger on an old (but sadly, very popular) post I wrote entitled, ‘When Love Turns to Hate‘.
I’ve always assumed that most people would want to commit to marriage, at least at some point in their lives. But, perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe there are some who would rather avoid commitment altogether and date instead.
Pasted below is that portion of our conversation. After reading it, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Me: …There will still be problems of course, but having a steady marriage is much better than jumping from one relationship to the other.
Bolt: Some would disagree. Some who dodge marriage and flit from one person to the next might argue that their life is just as pleasurable without the concerns that come with commitment and broken ties.
Me: Perhaps you’re right, in that some people would like to have the freedom to date whomever they choose, rather than be committed to one person. But, I think that in the long run most people would rather know that they have someone at home who is committed to them and who they can count on to still be there tomorrow. There is safety in that. People may say they enjoy ‘freedom’, but with that freedom there is so much that they miss out on, in my opinion.
Bolt: Indeed, there is little to no romance in remaining single. Not to mention, how many start repeating the same “tricks” with every date? Pretty soon, people are talking, and your style is fingerprinted. Don’t date that guy; he gives every gal a rose to make them think they are special.
Bolt is certainly right about the dating scene. It can certainly get old after a while and those dating tricks become easier and easier to spot, and sometimes they’re quite funny.
But, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Based on your experiences, what do you think? Is marriage worth the risks involved? Or is living a life of dating easier?
What causes people to resist the idea of marriage?
Me - Who am I? 
Ugh, dating would be WAY too much effort. It would mean makeup and nice clothes on the weekend. And the possibility of getting naked in front of someone who hasn’t known me forever (and who wasn’t the cause of my post-babies body). No way.
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Ha! I love your answer! That’s what I think. Although even in marriage we should maintain ourselves, there is nothing enticing about being in the dating scene again.
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So, for you, the prospects of dating are exciting, but fate’s fickle finger, having touched your figure, spoils the interest.
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It depends entirely on who you are, of course, which means that there is no easy answer. And then there is the third way – years of dating and then settling down (or the other way round, of course!).
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You’re right. The answer may be different for everyone. Your third way is what I think most people would eventually want. I imagine that taking the chance of being single all the way to death, would be a frightening and lonely thought.
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The thought of the same person every day. Day in and day out. over and over and over again. Yeah, I’m okay without out the legality of marriage! 🙂
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To hear a woman say that is a little surprising to me. I’ve always thought of us women as committers. (I didn’t even know that was a word, but apparently it is.) So you think that being with the same person over a long period of time would get boring? But, wouldn’t it also give you a feeling of security?
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No, and if I was looking for a feeling of security in another person, then I’d always be disappointed. Someone in my life should compliment it, not be where I found my security, or purpose or worth or love.
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So, Kate, your last relationship kinda sullied your interest in commitment, yes? Maybe you realized/decided sooner than some, who repeat the same decisions, that you were not finding security in the relationship…or that security was what you didn’t need/want. And, you were not being “complimented.” Complemented or complimented? There’s a difference.
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I’ve actually never had a relationship sour me, I just don’t feel that a piece of paper makes anything more secure. And if you need a legally binding contract to stay with someone and be faithful, then there is probably more at hand! But, that’s just me 🙂 I discovered the other day that it’s a deal breaker for some men if the woman doesn’t want to take their last name! That one really surprised me!
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Well, I agree with ya there. I also hate HATE the concept of a “pre-nup.” It turns love into binary code. It just makes me scream.
No, it’s not just you. You’re not alone.
As for last names, I am not fond of mine, presently. I’d be inclined to take the woman’s last name (how about that!?) or just keep the names separate…or come up with a new “pen” name for us both.
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Lol. I was amazed at what a discussion I had about the last name thing, and apparently in a lot of cultures the man does take the woman’s last name! I didn’t know that!
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Okay, now you have me intrigued. What cultures have the man take the woman’s last name?
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I had to go back and read all of the comments to find the statement… “I have a friend who told me that in the Chinese and Spanish cultures, women NEVER take husbands names (or very rarely). Even my husband who is from Cuba thinks it’s odd that they do.” I haven’t validated it, but after writing the post it’s come up a couple more times! (Just in case you have 5 minutes to waste… the blog link is below)
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Really? In China and Spain? Hmm.
If I am learning, it is not waste.
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I skimmed the post and comments but saw nothing about China or Spain. Where am I missing this?
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It’s way down in the comments – but what I copied earlier was pretty much it! 🙂
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And did I typo? LOL, Complement! “E” was supposed to be in that word! It must be that we use it so infrequently now! LOL
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I discovered the difference myself just yesterday while writing something. I rarely if ever use the E/complement.
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You’ve got an excellent point. We certainly shouldn’t depend on another person to provide that to us. If we depend on others to provide us with the happiness we seek. we will always be disappointed. To be happy is our job. But as you said, marriage should and in many cases does complement our life – if our spouse is chosen correctly that is.
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I have never seen marriage as a goal to go for, but lived in relationships instead. I have never felt a need for a contract and don’t wish to be owned. Freedom with responsibility is better for me.
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Owned. Interesting word choice. Do you believe that people who are in a marriage cannot, in any way, hold onto their independence? What freedoms that you have now, do you feel you would lose by getting married?
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Yes, some people are able to live as independent, but in many relationships one of the parts become more controlling by marriage, like you were their property, which is why I used the word owned.
I prefer to be able to leave without needing a lawyer, if necessary.
I do also think, that both parts need to work for the mutual life, as we choose to share and maybe more without the contract.
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You’re right. Some people do treat the other as if they are their property to rule and command as they please. It should be a partnership. Of course there will be compromise, but there should not be control. I think that without a contract, a person would have to put a lot more faith into the relationship, trusting that it will withstand the test of time. There’s certainly a risk either way you.
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Irene, can I ask when your birthday is or what’s your astrology (sun) sign? I am curious about this concern for freedom vs. ownership.
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I’m born in the Capricorn. I would love to hear about your results.
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Well, that’s not much to go on…but I suspect, while your sun sign is Capricorn, you have Virgo, Taurus or Sagittarius in your chart. Virgo and Taurus are working, responsible, practical signs, like Capricorn. But, I think Virgo or Taurus might be more concerned with freedom which might translate into a clean house, a particular sense of order, etc. Sagittarius is also a proud, independent, freedom-loving sign that might suffocate under any form of restraint/restriction/control.
But, I’d need more information.
I wasn’t expecting a Capricorn sun sign…but, perhaps, you are the mountain goat that prefers to rule the peak solo.
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Okay, now I see, what you mean. Birthday 23 of Dec. Sun in Capricorn, Ascendant in Leo and and the last in Libro. Does it help?
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You mean Libra. Yes. That helps some. A few pieces of the genetic puzzle are better than one.
But, what in Libra? Last what?
I can see the Leo ascendant may explain that glorious golden mane of yours. It’s also a fierce or conflicted pride sign. It’s possibly the one Western astrology sign that confounds me the most because of two different forces it supposedly includes, a bold leader quality and a vain, self-conscious side.
Libra might dictate a desire for balance or freedom to be a chatterbox, party goer or big spender. 🙂
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English is not my first language and I don’t remember the names for the other right now. The last maybe the moon. I need to check my papers to answer you better. The last as you wrote, balance yes, not more.
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Yes, I saw you’re a Dane, right?
Oh, MOON. Okay, that would make sense since you mentioned Sun and Ascendant. I should have guessed that.
So, Cap sun, Libra moon and Leo rising…that’s one complex persona you have there. But, it also makes you more interesting as a person, more diverse. Now, I am curious what your Venus/Mars are. A Cap sun with a Libra moon…hmm…I would guess a homebody by nature who spends a lot of time talking to people by phone/internet. An insatiable thirst for knowledge and social interaction. A dust storm of activity. With a Leo polish.
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I will find out tomorrow. It is late here around 11 pm.
This sounds more right.
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If you stay up too late, either there’s a trace of the Sagittarian “midnight oil” syndrome in you or you’re Libra moon is working overtime. 🙂
Get some rest.
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Thank you.
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There can’t be a right answer, since there are people happy with either choice.
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You’re right, but that’s what I’m aiming for – different perspectives from different people.
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OH! Well in that case, I love being married. Before The Mister, I didn’t so much date as hang out and sleep around. Dating feels pretentious and exhausting to me. If this marriage ends before me, I don’t think I’ll marry again.
People are complicated. lol
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It’s good to hear from someone who is happy in their marriage. I agree that people are complicated. The idea of having to start all over seems like it would be very overwhelming.
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So, Joey, without marriage, you’d go back to one-night stands/sleeping around? Did your husband fall in your lap? Or, did you have a long engagement/courtship?
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I dunno, hard to imagine really. I just can’t imagine sharing an entire life with someone else.
We were close friends, fell in love over letters. I’d say we had a long friendship (back to 1987) no real courtship (we never dated) and married suddenly in 1999.
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I think you imagined it quite well from your first comment.
But, you can imagine spending your life with your present husband?
You were friends since 1987?? And, until 1999 you were sleeping around? Talk about sowing wild oats… Why the sudden marriage? Were you both tired of the “sleeping around” routine and just said, “Why not? We’re friends this long.”?
I thought letters were antique. Now, that’s kinda romantic.
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No, we talk about it sometimes, and we both agree we can’t imagine being married to someone else, and that we doubt we’d remarry. Living a sexless life wouldn’t be ideal for either of us.
No, lol, we didn’t say “Why not?” lol We just fell in love. Happens all the time.
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Well, when you’re “in the soup” with your chosen partner, it’s kinda hard to cross that imaginary boundary. If you were to think for yourselves and discuss it with someone else, I am sure your mind would open up to other possibilities. But, content in your present bubble, why rock the boat? That’s what holds those outside thoughts at bey. Yet, you can clearly recollect the past which was starkly different.
Yea, well, I can’t say it happens all the time…this craaaazy something of mine…wraps around my…heart?….craaaazy– Ehem. Anyway. I am not so sure about falling in love myself.
If you wouldn’t go back to your old ways…and you wouldn’t remarry…how would your life NOT be sexless?
It may sound strange, but I think there is a way to be a happy couple without smooshing booties. But, it requires thinking outside the box.
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Happy people seldom think about ways to become unhappy 🙂
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That is true. I suppose, if you are happy and thinking of ways to be unhappy…something is not right.
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Joey, it sounds to me that you have found a wonderful man to spend your life with. What you two have is very special and it thrills my soul to know that you too have kept the fire going in your marriage even after all these years. Congrats to you both on the happy marriage you have. That is something to be very grateful for.
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Thanks so much for sayin so 🙂
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I love being in a committed relationship – my marriage works for me and for my partner. But I know there are people out there who that level of partnership isn’t what they’re seeking. Some are just fine living this life single and on their own, they date to receive the companionship they need but commitment just isn’t what they’re seeking. I can see it both ways. But I can also say I know which one works better for me!
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It’s great that you’ve found what works for you and that you and your spouse have found happiness through it. That is what ultimately matters. I wonder what keeps people from committing though. Is it fear or simply the enjoyment not being ‘held down’ by marriage?
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I’m guessing for some it’s fear but for others it’s simply comfort in going it alone – with actually nothing to do wit commitment. But as not one of those people I am just guessing.
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Perhaps you’re right. Maybe some people are indeed comfortable with being alone.
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Marriage for me. Though I understand the ‘freedom’ and change is wonderful for some. I like the sameness in some ways and fortunately have a marriage that is made wonderful by our simpatico styles of rest at home, and exploring all parts of world that we get a chance to explore.
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I can see how change, along with the excitement that comes with a new relationship would keep people from commitment. Those are two things that people sacrifice when they marry. Well, change still happens. Just a different type of change. I’m glad to hear that you are in a marriage that you are happy with and have found contentment. It sounds like you two work well together.
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We do. And whatever people choose, I just hope for happiness. It’s so hard to see people exist and be unhappy with the choices they’ve made. I’m very lucky.
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Yes, that is a very good point. One which goes for both groups of people – single and married.
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But, Chatter, do you feel you would not travel or rest at home with your partner if you were not married? Couldn’t you technically remain separate but still live and/or travel together?
I have a similar discussion on sleeping in the same bed somewhere. Some couples can’t stand sharing a bed, after a while, because one person snores or they just go to bed in disagreement. I suggest having separate beds when not happy with each other (not the dreaded couch) and a bigger bed for when the couple wants to “rekindle the flame.” Or, separate apartments/neighboring homes to allow for more personal space if styles differ though interests spark passion.
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Absolutely, I could do these same things without marriage. I guess it’s just a matter of preference on how someone ‘commits’ to another. Some don’t ‘need’ a marriage license. And though I don’t know if I ‘need’ a marriage license, as much as I wanted it. I guess I’m partial to the symbolism of it. 😉
And the bed thing? I agree. I know many couples who don’t share the same bed, or even bedroom, and they have wonderful marriages/relationships.
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I think marriage licenses are stupid. Especially if you need to get one each time you marry. [I don’t know. Do you?] A license to get married. Well, actually, if I gave the test to decide whether or not a person gets married, that would be interesting…:D But, it’s such a pointless formality, presently. It’s like getting a box of rice to throw at the wedding.
I think a happy couple has to share a bed now and then. If they never sleep together, it sounds more like a business arrangement. But, I think it’s a good idea to have that extra personal space when tiffs erupt.
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Bolt, in my opinion, a marriage license is very important. For the same reason as someone else mentioned – they want to be able to walk away easily without all the legal binding. A marriage tells the other party, “I love you. Because of that, I vow to stay loyal, to stay loving and to stay yours and only yours until death do us part.” A couple who genuinely wants to spend the rest of their lives together doesn’t need, nor want an “easy way out.” A marriage license may seem like a mere piece of paper to some, but it is so much more than that.
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A marriage license makes walking away easier?
You don’t need to recite the vows for me…sigh.
You’re confusing me. But, obviously, very…rooted…in the “traditional marriage motif.”
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No, it makes it more difficult. Maybe I should have worded that differently. Someone mentioned that they *didn’t* want the license because they wanted to be able to walk away easily. I am rooted in the idea of traditional marriage. I think marriage is a beautiful thing.
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Yes, you should have. 😛
I wasn’t sure if you were trying to lock people into marriage when it might not be functioning or what.
I am torn on marriage, presently. I have seen my share of upsets. I’ve been single a long time. Not exactly happy with my life. But, I am slightly scared of all that comes with the legality of marriage these days. I don’t want to be someone’s second, third or fourth helping of heartache or take the gamble just to make a divorced widow smile for a while. I used to have the idealist dream of marriage with two kids, a nice house and all that. But, what I’ve seen from most marriages around me doesn’t bode well for such fantasies.
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Personal space is a must!!!
And yes, as far as I know, at least in the US you do need a marriage license when you marry.
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Marriage, always. That freedom that people speak about gets old in time and in some ways, very confining.
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I’d have to agree with you George. Freedom doesn’t always play out the way people hope for.
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Marriage is right for me, and I am happy. However, I know couples who have been together for years and years committed to each other as my husband and I are. They don’t have a license to be married, but they love and respect each other just the same.
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You sound happy when you talk about your marriage and that’s such a wonderful thing. I know couples like those you mentioned too. Maybe they think that getting the license to make it official would somehow change their relationship?
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I think they believe they will eventually get around to it but life keeps going and they don’t get around to it. My daughter has been with the same man for 5+ years. While they are committed to each other, they see no need to rush into marriage. I’m hoping that some day they do when they decide to have kids.
I know this is different than what your post was about and I think the life of dating without commitment would make for a lonely life….in my opinion.
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It’s not off topic. It still begs the question, why not marry? People stay in committed relationships for years, but why do they fear marriage? I think you could be right that some people just never get around to it – because of other priorities, they put it off, sometimes until it’s too late.
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I’d certainly like to know….I’ve been waiting for my daughter to surprise us with the news….she’s been dating the same young man for over 5 years. Their excuse is school…she went back, and now he is back in school working on a second degree. They want to wait until school is out of the way.
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love being married- and we both have our own interests and have freedom within the marriage that does not stifle us or make one have more control over the other.
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I’d say you have a good astrological balance, DM. That’s what it sounds like to me.
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very possible! A Capricorn and Gemini- how’s that?
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That tells me nothing. On the surface, that’s a bad combo. There must be more beneath the surface that holds you together.
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I like how you put that and that is one very important quality to have in a marriage. To be married shouldn’t mean that we have to sacrifice all of our interests. Perhaps the other person will enjoy our same interests and perhaps they won’t. If not, we should have the ‘freedom’ to still enjoy what makes us happy – within limits of course. Obviously there are some things that should be let go of, out of respect, loyalty and love for one another.
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Great post! 🙂 The dating scene and I were never friends….I’m too much of an all or nothing person and “casual” just never worked for me lol…that being said, I think people avoid marriage today because it just doesn’t mean what it used to….I find people don’t take it as seriously as it once was….it’s almost like a liability and divorce is just like “one of those things” however, I have always loved the idea of marriage 🙂 Thanks for sharing! 🙂
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I agree completely. The dating scene gets old and most of the time is a waste of time. Marriage is certainly not taken seriously anymore and that’s really sad, especially given all the broken hearts and broken families that we so often see. Like you, I’ve always loved the idea of marriage too. I highly admire those couples who stay together for 40, 50, 60 years.
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Yes! It’s a rare find now so always nice to see when two people are in sync with each other 🙂
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Marriage here. That little piece of paper brings a whole lot of legal benefits that make it easier for my wife and I to live out the vows that we promised each other on our wedding day. When life is great, marriage vs. living together may not matter. But if something goes wrong (medical crisis, job loss, financial trouble, etc) then legal marriage means we have more options and fewer obstacles to caring for each other.
I say this from my perspective as a married lesbian, whose first 3 years of marriage were not recognized by our federal government, and whose next 2 were not recognized by most states in this country. The legal landscape we negotiated over those 5 years (how do we handle taxes, health insurance, health care proxies when there is no universal form for all states, etc) made us abundantly aware of the ways that the legal institution of marriage can help or hinder a couple’s ability to function as the combined unit they emotionally and logistically consider themselves to be.
And my wife loves that now I do all our taxes. 🙂
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Thank you for the different perspective. I agree that not only is it a sign of loyalty to one another, but also necessary in order to obtain all applicable benefits. That’s one thing in a marriage that is very important.
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