I’ve always been a firm believer in that we should never give up people. Underneath their rough exterior is a person who needs love and understanding. A person who needs our compassion. People can change, if we are patient and give them time. No matter what, don’t give up, especially on those you love.
Right? Maybe not…
What do you do when you’ve done all that you can do and there is nothing left to be done? Year after year you’ve held on. You’ve struggled with them. Been there for them. Waited for them to “see the light.” Helped them. All of that, for nothing. Instead of the situation improving, it continually gets worse.
What do you do? Is there a point when you finally have to give up?
I’m beginning to think that maybe there are a select few out there who truly cannot be helped. People who don’t want to be helped, neither by family or professionals. People who seem to enjoy their misery and the high that it gives them; even as low as that high is. They seemingly relish in the fact that people worry about them and do all they can to drag others down with them. They’re miserable from dawn to dusk; a product of their own doing.
Why do they choose to live in such torment?
How can you let go of someone you care about, when you know how much they’re hurting (even if it is their own doing)? Or, do you continue to hold on and suffer through it with them; hoping that one day they’ll see themselves and seek change?
Me - Who am I? 
You are correct. Some people truly don’t want to change their situation, no matter how dire it may be.
Case in point: my nephew has been a heroin junkie for 9 years now. He’s been in and out of every rehab that endless amounts of money can pay for. I asked him point blank if he liked his lifestyle and wished to live it. He told me yes n and he wanted to stay on the drugs. At that point, I told my sister in law, and she came to the understanding that she was throwing money away at a futile cause. Her son didn’t want to give up his habit. HE DIDN’T WANT TO CHANGE. A person has to be left to make their own choices, no matter what we think of them. After all, we are all graced/cursed with free will and we are the ones who have to live with our own choices in the end. It sucks to see someone go down the tubes like that, buuuut you can only intervene to a point.
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What a tough situation for your sister in law and the rest of your family. To want to help someone so badly, only for them to not want that help is so defeating. I’m sorry that you all have to go through that and sorry for him that he wants to live that way. There are so many better ways to live this life. You’re right. Sometimes we just have to leave them and let them work it out on their own. Learn the hard way and maybe never learn at all. It’s difficult though. We want to be able to help, and feel so helpless and frustrated when we can’t.
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I’ve learned in the past that sometimes all you can do for someone like that is protecting yourself and be there but don’t let it get to you anymore. I truly think that there are people out there who don’t want to feel better. Who need the attention they get by feeling bad. Not sure if they necessarily want to drag people down with them but they crave for the attention. If this person means a lot to you then try to get some distance between you and that person (emotionally) in order to protect yourself. You can still be there and listen and give advice. But don’t let it get to you anymore. It’s a steep learning curve. Sometimes it’s not possible and it will get through. It kind of works for me although I have to say that every now and then I find myself in that downward spiral again that person pulls me in and then I have to really push myself out there again. I decided that I’ll give it a bit longer but if I can’t protect myself (and ultimately my family because they see me suffer) from that person than I will let go for good. I’ve done more than enough.
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You make a good point here. I think distancing myself emotionally from them is the key. Perhaps I don’t have to let them go entirely… yet, but I should take a step back when dealing with them. Deal with them from the ‘outside’. Maybe they’re not trying to bring anyone down with them, but I think you’re absolutely right about them wanting the attention. No doubt about that at all. They’ll no longer get the attention they seek, not from me anyway. They’ll get a friend. That’s it.
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Yes, stay on the ‘outside’ of things. It will make it so much easier for you.
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Sometimes there is nothing you can do!
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I think you’re right, even as disappointing as that is.
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Yes it is! nice post!
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That’s not an easy question to answer and I don’t think there’s one answer for every situation. There are definitely times you should walk away and other times when you hold on fiercely. The individuals involved, the relatuonships, past history, the short and long term effect on the people involved and what the end result might be all contribute to that decision. Everyone makes their own choices which should never be second guessed by anyone not invested in the people involved.
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Good answer, George. You’re right. It’s hard for anyone to give advice having not been a part of the specific situation. However, I do still appreciate the thoughts of others as it helps me to think a bit more clearly on this matter. You said “the end result” – that is my biggest reason for continuing to hold on to this person. I don’t know what that end result will be, but I sure don’t want to have regrets when it gets here.
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You have to look out for you and your well being. You have to replenish your stores so you can take care of those immediately around you. If they are not healthy for you, then distance yourself from the behaviors that suck the life out of you instead of adding to it! 🙂 And good luck!
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You can’t make a person seek any sort of help if they don’t want it. I may be wrong, but in my experience a person knows, deep down that something isn’t right and that there is help…friends, family, professional. Protect yourself first, don’t let them bring you down with them. Maybe, someday, they will choose to take a different path and do the work it takes to live a fuller life.
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You’re right about that and there seems to be no talking sense into them. Why, if the help is available, do people not seek that help? Why do they seemingly want to remain in their condition? Is it hopelessness? Do they think that they’re not worthy of a good life? I just don’t understand and it’s so incredibly frustrating.
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I’m not a professional but my guess would be feeling unworthy. I found myself in a cycle that I finally found a way to break but I wanted it very badly. I’m not ‘cured’ but life is becoming easier to deal with. It is definitely up to the individual to help themselves, there is nothing you can do except to let them know you are standing by but aren’t going to emotionally engage in the behavior.
I often wonder what it would be like for people who deal with life’s struggles in a positive manner with actual results. The mind that is stuck in the feelings hopeless and worthless is hard to reach. I don’t know if it is the answer for everyone but for me, I had to want this for myself. I know someone who could definitely benefit from some outside professional help but they choose to live in a sad, closed off world. No matter what I say or how I show that I have been helped, this person just can’t or won’t see it.
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Hard to reach. There is no hope. That’s exactly what they say about themselves. There is no way to get past the barrier they have allowed to be built up around them. It’s very sad. I wish there was a way to get them to see, but no matter what’s said or who it’s said by, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s as if the words are not even heard. I suppose we just have to continue to wait and hope for the best. In the meantime though, I’ll continue to be there, but from an emotional distance.
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It’s hard to describe why some resist help, or don’t seem to be listening. However, the person loves those around them and doesn’t choose to be that way. They just can’t find it in them to recognize they have a part in making a better/happier life. It won’t happen if they aren’t willing to do the work.
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That’s basically what I told them. That no one can help them without their wanting it. That ultimately they are the only one who can help their situation. A person must be willing.
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I agree with some of these comments. You cannot force change on someone and sometimes they don’t want to change or see what is the matter. And that is their right. It is your right to walk away or to wait for a “better day.” It is a decision we all must make!
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You’re right. We can’t force anyone to change, no matter how badly we want to. They must realize that there is a better life worth living and accept the help that’s offered to them. But it sure stinks for them in the meantime. Why anyone would want to live in such misery, I’ll never understand.
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What is the damage it will end up doing to you? That is what I have to consider first when continuing these types of interactions.
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That’s an important thing to consider. Aside from intense frustration, there is not too much damage that can be done. They’re damaging themselves the most. I think I’d rather distance myself, but not cut them off completely, because what if they do decide to do something drastic? I don’t know if I could handle that, knowing that I had let them go.
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We are all in a different path and we act individual after how far we are in our life.
The only thing you can do is show them the way you took to get a good life. If they are ready they will follow, but if not you will waste your time and life quality. Remember to take good care of yourself.
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That’s exactly what I was thinking yesterday. Instead of feeding into their self-pity, I need to show them through my life and the life of others, that their life can be a good one. They don’t have to be miserable. There is a way out. You’re right about wasting time. That’s the point I’ve gotten to. I’m tired of talking to someone who obviously doesn’t want to listen.
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I have been given up at people, because they demanded too much attention for nothing.
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That’s understandable. Sometimes the best idea is to let them go.
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This hits so close to my heart. I don’t have any answers. I can’t formulate an answer for myself, or others. It’s as if we are walking this same path, or a very parallel one. All I can do is offer you a virtual ‘sit together’ and feel this with you kind of moment.
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Thank you. I’ll take that. It is a difficult situation and it can cause us to feel so helpless. For now, I’ve taken a step back, but I wish it didn’t have to be that way.
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I am familiar with that wish….
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