In Denial

aging

In a dream early this morning, I was having a conversation with a fellow blogger and the topic of age came up. Immediately when I opened my mouth to tell her how old I was, I woke up.

It’s amusing to me that I’ve been in such denial for the past couple of months over my age, that I even woke up out of a dream just to avoid saying it.

I’m not old. In fact, I don’t think that anyone is old unless they act that way. I’ve seen people in their 90s behave as if they’re 20; dancing, singing and skipping down hallways. The saying, “You’re only as old as you think you are” is absolutely true in my opinion.

Why then, does my age bother me so much? I’m a year older. Doesn’t that mean I’m wiser? That should make me happy, right? It doesn’t.

I suppose that’s because I feel like I should have done more with my life than what I’ve done with it. It’s also because I’ve not done so many things that I said years ago that I would do.Β Had I devoted my time to all those things, instead of procrastinating or avoiding them entirely, who knows where I would be right now; what my life would look like. (It could look bad, so I should be thankful.)

There are also many things with my son that I should have done, skills we should have worked harder on, but didn’t. Now it’s too late for some of them. But, where wouldΒ he be now had we done them? Would he be closer academically and mentally to the other kids his age?

There have been a lot of times in my life when I should have been doing one thing, but instead did another. Times that I can’t get back.

I suppose then, that my aging another year bothers me because I have so many regrets. Should have, would have, could have, but didn’t.

On the flip side, because there’s always a flip side, I have accomplished a lot throughout my years. Things that I should give myself credit for. I survived my teen years, earned a diploma, had awesome jobs, met amazing people, learned a lot and am still learning. I married and had a son, and have succeeded in keeping him alive for over 16 years now.

I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve smiled. I’ve cried.

My life has been full of accomplishments. My accomplishments. The meaning of success is different for everyone. I don’t need to be the president of a company (although I am in the process of starting one) or drive a Mercedes in order to be successful.

I’m already successful. I see that every time my son walks through the door. Every time my hug comforts someone who is hurting. Each time I bring a smile to someone’s face. My success is all around me.

My years have not been wasted. They’ve been fulfilled with the very best that life can give.

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45 Responses to In Denial

  1. So true it’s the personal things that count, they are our true accomplishments.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy Birthday?
    “Had I devoted my time to all those things, instead of procrastinating or avoiding them entirely, who knows where I would be right now; what my life would look like.” It could be worse, oh so much worse!! I know we like to think that if we did something differently our lives would be better… but our lives could have turned out worse. I’m pretty sure you are right where you are supposed to be πŸ™‚ And good luck on the company!

    Like

  3. Rajagopal says:

    There is always a hypothesis, in hindsight, of what would have been, had one followed a certain course of action. That it so occurs to everyone, at the end of it all, is one of life’s many imponderables. We become, what we eventually make of ourselves as a cumulative result of our efforts. We lose some, pointing to unattainableness of life, and we win some, often with immense success and befitting glory, again serving as an index of life’s fairness in overall scheme of things. So, in perfect agreement with you, on being happy in the stage that we are, in the thought that it could not have been better, as we all are in the best attainable position…best wishes… Raj.

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    • mewhoami says:

      Thank you, Raj. You are right in that we win some and we lose some. What we should aim for however, is to be happy in all things. Every missed opportunity and every opportunity taken leads us to the path that we are supposed to be on. Through it all, I am happy with where my path has taken me.

      Like

  4. grannyK says:

    I think we all go through times when we have these feelings. I know I do! It’s not easy having to realize that you can’t go back and try again. We can only move forward.

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    • mewhoami says:

      You are right. We can. One thing I do know is that as long as we have breath, our dreams are still attainable. All we have to do is reach for them. Everything that we’ve procrastinated doing, can be turned into successes by just taking one step.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. So true the meaning of success is different for each person!

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  6. DailyMusings says:

    So glad you ended on a positive note and acknowledged all you have accomplished. It’s funny I never really set any goals for myself, and have ended up with many varied “careers” that were unexpected- and learned new things and met new people through them all. Keep looking forward and moving forward….

    Liked by 1 person

    • mewhoami says:

      I figure that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen in life that there’s always a positive side. That’s what’s important. It’s not the what if’s, the failures or the mistakes that matter. What matters is how we respond to those things, and where our path finally leads. That’s what I must remember. It’s nice that you seemingly just flowed with life. That takes a lot of pressure off and in turn helps you to enjoy life more than many people do.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. A great way to put it!
    I struggle with being disciplined and I tend to get off track, when the year hits September I begin to tread water rapidly attempting to recoup the year I wasted with procrastination and sloppy planning. My birthday hits in January and I alway begin weighing up my accomplishments against the plan in my head of where I was meant to be at that point of my life.
    Sometimes our mental image of what a person of “that age” is meant to look like, is unreasonable.
    I loved reading your post and it was what I needed to read at this point of the year. 😊

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      Yes, self-discipline is a difficult skill to master. It’s easier to do what we want rather than what we need to do, and usually that’s a lot more fun. But, not always as satisfying. I understand your rushing to get all everything done before the year is up. That’s like me, but every Friday. πŸ™‚ You’re right that we imagine a person our age and what our accomplishment *should* be, but by whose standard are we really judging ourselves? Everyone is different and each person’s accomplishments are different. Therefore, we should just focus on our own and stop competing against who we *think* we should be.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We are at war with ourselves at times.
        I live by a to do list these days and try to manage my inner voice that screams for fun over what I know needs to be done for the end plan I have in mind.
        I have an imagine in my mind of how I need to look and feel and be at 40, I need to simplify that image and make it more realistic for my current situation, but not so simplified that I aim to “just exist”.
        Shouldn’t we shoot for the stars and if we miss, we land on a cloud?
        Conflicting inner morals and mind frames can mess with your head.
        If I had to pick one thing I want to be… It’s happy. The second is free.

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        • mewhoami says:

          I’m a lover of a to-do lists. They are what keeps me in line most of the time. I agree that we shouldn’t stop working on ourselves. There is always more we can do, and should do. There’s learning to be had and lessons to be shared with others. Why stop growing in all areas of life, just because we’re getting older? Shouldn’t that mean that we should try even harder? Yes – happiness! That’s what we should all strive for.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. April says:

    The last part of this post made me smile…..it is the accomplishments we should be focusing on and not berating ourselves for what we didn’t. You have today and that’s all that’s guaranteed, live it. (yeah, I’m working on this advice of mine)

    Liked by 1 person

    • mewhoami says:

      Today is the only day that we’re guaranteed, so you’re right – there’s no point at looking back on yesterday. Can’t change it and if we were able to see where those changes would have led us, we probably wouldn’t want to anyway.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Happy Accomplishment and Loving Life In All It’s Perfect Imperfections Reflections MeWhoAmI!!!!! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You DO have a lot to be proud of! I became 44 earlier this month, and apparently next year I’m officially middle aged? No way, I call BS on that!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: My Picks Of The Week #39 | A Momma's View

  12. hsampson says:

    Most of my friends are older than me and they have got more stamina and enthusiasm that I feel older some times! I stopped counting my age when I was 30 and the truth is that now I just donΒ΄t care about it any more. It is really a matter of perspective. For my daughters I am as old as the pyramids of Egypt, for my older friends I am just a puppy. But to me I am ageless.

    Liked by 1 person

    • mewhoami says:

      I think it’s great that you don’t care about it anymore, because quite frankly, we can’t do anything to change it anyway. πŸ™‚ We might as well be happy with it and live to the very best of our ability – doing whatever it is that makes us happy. I like the ageless idea. Age is just a number, right?

      Liked by 2 people

  13. stormy1812 says:

    Wow…I just had a birthday Aug. 3 and have yet again felt like it’s been another year I’ve wasted; another year I haven’t made any steps forward. I too have felt like wow…there’s so much more I wanted from my life and I haven’t done hardly any of it but you’re right. Success is no absolute definition. It’s different for everyone in different ways. It’s all about that elusive perspective I can’t seem to hold onto permanently. Thank you for the reminder! I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. My world has been very different and has been turned upside down and inside out in the last two months in particular and before that…I’ve just been uninspired (something I picked up from a Facebook meme no less). I think what I really need to do…is stop thinking and just do. I do better when I’m in motion than spending too much time thinking. Go figure? πŸ™‚ Great post!

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      I’m sorry to hear that your world has been tossed around lately. You’re right about stopping the thinking and “just do”. I tend to think too much also and find that when I do I accomplish much less. It’s easy to get caught up in thinking that we’ve wasted another year each time our birthday rolls around. I suppose there is always more that we could have done, but even so we’ve still done a lot. Every year has its own accomplishments and we should give ourselves credit for them, no matter how big or small they are. Glad to have you back!

      Liked by 1 person

    • mewhoami says:

      Oh, and Happy Birthday!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Here from a comment on Lynzrealcooking. I like that age progressed pic. Congrats on keeping your son alive. Lol
    Glad you realized your many accomplishments are real.

    Like

  15. Cindi says:

    Coincidence that I’m reading this with John Mellencamp’s “Jack and Diane” playing on my 80’s playlist, and as my 57th birthday is approaching in a couple of weeks?

    Your quote, “I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve smiled. I’ve cried.” is perfect. Years of living have definitely NOT been wasted.

    Cheers to you, and to another year of creating memories and learning more about ourselves!

    Like

    • mewhoami says:

      What great timing. Happy (early) Birthday! You’re right – no years have been wasted. Each one was precious and memorable for its on reasons, and all were worthwhile.

      Like

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