When things happen in life, we often wonder why. What was the reason? What caused it? When my son was diagnosed with Autism many moons ago I asked this a lot, always wondering if it was my fault.

My doctor never supplied me with a list of do’s and don’ts, nor did I ask for one. I was young, 18. I didn’t know anything about anything. I assumed that most of it was probably common sense anyway. Don’t drink, smoke, consume a ton of caffeine, eat ten cheeseburgers every day, etc.

I ate healthy, not organic, but healthy. However, there was one healthy food item that I later learned was a big no-no for pregnant mothers. Tuna fish, because of its high mercury levels. I didn’t know. How can fish be bad? It can. Although I can hardly stand that stuff now, while I was pregnant I ate a ton of it.

So after I found out just how bad tuna can be for babies, I put blame on myself for consuming it. Later down the road, I learned that a mother’s exposure to various toxins and chemicals can effect the fetus. When I was a child, my siblings and I were sprayed by a crop duster while playing out in a relative’s field. Was that the cause for my son’s autism? Tuna, crop dusting, or both? Maybe neither.

I’ve wondered a lot, but over the past few years I settled on the theory that it was likely my son’s father who was the holder of the gene. The reason being, because his other son has delays also. That was until yesterday.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that effects certain parts of my body, including my central nervous system. That causes a whole host of problems, many of which are due to inflammatory cells running through my cerebrospinal fluid. But my issues are neither here nor there. This is about my son.

Yesterday I was reading an article that said “Women with autoimmune diseases are more likely to produce “antibrain antibodies,” which can attack the brain tissue of a fetus.” How comforting…antibrain antibodies. So maybe it was fault. Maybe it did come from me.

If so, how do I fix it? I’m not saying there’s anything “wrong” with my son. I love him just the way he is, but he has goals that he wants to reach. In order for him to reach those goals, there are many areas in which he must improve upon. That’s just a fact, can’t deny that.

There are many natural anti-inflammatory options to help reduce inflammation, some of which I use for myself. Now that I know that this issue may have been passed down to my son, I can try these options with him as well. Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it won’t. But, one never knows unless they try.

It’s hard when you don’t know why things happen. We all want an answer, a reason. Perhaps I’ll never find the answer, but that doesn’t mean that I have to stop looking. He’s my precious young man and he deserves the very best that life has to offer. He has big dreams, and regardless if it’s my fault or not, he won’t be denied the opportunity to reach them.

“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.” ~ Dr. Dale E. Turner

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10 Responses to Why?

  1. Finding fault, feeling guilty, the assignation of blame… none of them serve a useful or constructive purpose. The situation is what it is and your son will have the very best life that you can encourage and support, and that is intended. Was this ever in your hands? The honest answer is no.

    We all seek explanations and answers to myriad matters. And often (to your words) we are never provided with them. Rather than expend our precious, finite time and energy focusing on the why (which may well remain unknown), perhaps shifting our attention to what is and how we can make the best of the present moment will yield deserved joy and understanding.

    You will always be his mom and he will feed off and grow with your love and inspiration. Maybe leaving the why to a higher power and simply doing what you can, will be what your son needs and appreciates. Along with his dreams and hopes. 🙂


    • mewhoami says:

      Thank you for this. I completely agree with you. Where my time could be wasted on searching for the ‘why’, it would be better used on working on the now. We may never have answers as to why things happen, but I suppose the answer really doesn’t matter. Because it is what it is, and that’s all we can really focus on.

      We can’t change it, so why spend time trying to? But, what we can do is make the best of it and never stop trying to provide the best life possible. The sky is the limit and no diagnosis or reason for it, should change that. Your words are inspiring. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I won’t tell you not to blame yourself, because hey – mom! But I will tell you that I’m so proud of you for doing all you can to make sure your son can reach his dreams! That is what a mom is for, in my opinion.


    • mewhoami says:

      I suppose it’s pretty natural for moms to place blame on themselves, regardless if it’s fitting or not. Thank you, I agree. That’s what mothers are for – helping out kids to reach their dreams.


  3. April says:

    I can’t give you any wise advice because I blame myself for everything. But you know what? I haven’t put in any effort to deal with it right now. You seem to me a more proactive person. He’s fortunate he has you for a mom.


  4. Dave says:

    Sometimes I think one of the greatest ways we express love is in the looking. Not in providing answers we already know, but in being willing to search tirelessly for the solution that may not even exist yet.
    Yours is a very special young man, privileged to experience that kind of love.
    Frequently, the “disabled” among us recognize love far better than those of us who are normal. What a special relationship that must make.


    • mewhoami says:

      You are absolutely right. The love that they recognize and the love that they give is a pure love, never for selfish gain, never to be seen….but instead entirely pure. It took over 8 years for my son to tell me “I love you,” but when he said it I knew he meant it! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. suzjones says:

    Wait? What? Tuna is bad for pregnancy? I just had to google that because my DIL has been eating tuna because she craves it. It does say that eating in small amounts is okay thank goodness.
    Now, as to this whole motherhood and blaming ourselves and feeling guilty thing… I think it is something that is ingrained in us woman. However we are also great at accepting things and then looking for solutions to the problems that arise.
    I think you are a wonderful mother and that no matter the reasons for Autism, there are many ways that loving parents learn to live with it.
    Blessings to you.


    • mewhoami says:

      Yes in small amounts it is okay, but honestly I don’t even think I would touch it again while being pregnant, but that’s just me. I think you’re right about it being ingrained in us. We automatically accept blame, even when it’s unjustified.

      But, we make the most out of what we have and look for solutions and I think, like you, that that’s what’s important.Thank you very much for your kind words. I do love him dearly. He has shown me an amazing world that I never would have seen without him. And he has taught me a lot! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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