No Tears Allowed

tears

Your eyes are the windows into your soul. However if you’re crafty enough, then you can shield the view with curtains.

That is, until you cry. Tears flow right through those curtains, no matter how strong the material might be. Crying reveals everything. Tears are a product of happiness, sadness and sometimes, anger. When you cry, people see you. They see the inner you.

No longer are you the strong person that you were five minutes ago. You don’t have it all put together, as everyone thought. No longer is your life as smooth as you pretend it to be.

You can hide a great deal of emotion underneath the surface, but tears, once shed, are very visible.

Crying makes a person vulnerable. For that reason, I do everything within my power not to. Strange as it may sound, my usual tool to prevent such occurrences, is singing songs. Silly songs. In my head, not out loud. Singing songs like “Itsy Bitsy Spider” while attending a funeral might offend those who are there. So would singing while visiting someone in the ICU.

That doesn’t stop me from putting on a show inside my head though. It’s my way of escaping difficult situations, and so far it’s proven to be quite effective.

I’ll admit that crying is a great release and very therapeutic – for everyone else. As for me, I rather just not experience it at all. It not only makes me vulnerable to others, but to myself as well.

When a person expresses that type of emotion, they come to the full realization of their suffering, whatever it may be. I rather not come to that realization. In that sense, blindness is welcome. I don’t want to feel.

Then, there’s the other part of me. The part that often wishes that I would allow myself to. I imagine that it would be very freeing to be able to express outwardly, what I feel inwardly. To not be so afraid of myself, and of what others may think of me.

Why do I hinder myself in this way? What am I really afraid of?

Me – Who am I? Once again, I’ve found that my blog name is very fitting.


 

This post is a response to Don Charisma’s prompt: Vulnerability

 

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30 Responses to No Tears Allowed

  1. A very good and thoughtful post. Maybe you will learn to give yourself free by small steps a time.

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    • mewhoami says:

      I shed tears when I can no longer contain them, but that’s rare. Even then, it’s just long enough to clear them up again. Small steps would be good.

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      • Remember that what you hide for yourself, you also hide for others. Also al your wise knowledge about life. There will always be souls, who would love to learn by experienced souls.
        By small steps you can learn to be the same all times.

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        • mewhoami says:

          You’re right, Irene. i do try to offer help to others who are dealing with situations that I have also experienced. Having those life experiences, whatever they may be, and being able to relate to others is so very important.

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  2. Baby steps! Yes, crying makes you vulnerable, and I hate to cry in public, unless it’s over a movie, or something sweet, or sad. I always cry over TV shows and movies that touch my heart! πŸ™‚

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  3. DailyMusings says:

    crying shows us at our most vulnerable I think. All the walls are let down, it is raw emotion. I know sometimes I will force to hold back out of fear that if I start, it will be uncontrollable. I want to maintain control. But eventually when I do let myself just “feel it” I am so relieved. I also feel people who have suffered great loss in their lives somehow condition themselves not to cry. They will not allow that pain from the past affect them ever again. What a thought provoking post!

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    • mewhoami says:

      Raw emotion – that’s it exactly. That’s one of the fears I have too, is that if I let myself start, then I won’t be able to control it. It is a relief to let it out though and I’m glad you allow yourself to every now and then. It’s important. I don’t know exactly what stops me. Was it suffering as a child or just convincing myself that I have to be strong? I’m not sure.

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      • DailyMusings says:

        My husband lost his father when he was 10. I have found he doesn’t cry easily- it is almost as if he has conditioned himself not to. He can read something touching and will cry, but rarely does he shed a tear at a funeral. I think if you suffered as a child it is wrapped up with that, and also that you had to convince yourself to be strong.You equate crying with weakness, which you couldn’t allow yourself to show to others.Or to admit to yourself. Sorry if I am getting to analytical here, especially given that I only know you through blogging!!

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        • mewhoami says:

          I don’t mind you being analytical at all. In fact, I appreciate it. I think you’re right too. I’ve always felt that I needed to be strong, not only for myself but for those around me. Even as a child, I felt that way.

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  4. Patrick Fisher says:

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with letting the tears flow. Showing your vulnerable side shows how human you really are. I too once used to hold back, smothering those feelings that induce tears, but every now and then it just happens. More now than before.

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    • mewhoami says:

      As much as I agree with you, for some reason I just can’t seem to convince myself that it’s okay. Granted, there have been times when I have no control over it and it’s felt nice to get it out. It was scary though. I think I’m just afraid to feel. It’s good that you have overcome it as much as you have, as it’s so important for a person’s mental health.

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  5. April says:

    Hey! I just commented on your post before this one (I’m catching up) about crying. Crying does make us vulnerable. I feel that if I start, I’m going to fall in a heap on the floor, a blubbering lump.I learned long ago how to compartmentalize my feelings. My grandmother always told me I was ugly when I cried, so I made it my mission to never let anyone see me cry. I went through a time with a boss who knew every button to push with me, which would send me into a flying rage. Unable to control this emotion but having to in order to avoid jail time, it came out as tears.

    I quit the job and didn’t cry again. Then my brother died, and I let some go. My dad died and I sobbed. My sister died and I seriously sobbed. I even spoke at her funeral with tears streaming down my cheeks–in front of a packed church. I think I’ve conquered that fear of letting people see me cry. While I’d rather not, buck up, and move on, I know my world won’t end if a tear or two falls through my curtains. .

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    • mewhoami says:

      You are catching up! I need to do some of that myself.The fear of crying uncontrollably is a part of it for me. The other is a feeling of weakness. For some reason I feel that I must remain strong and even when I cry alone, I tell myself to get over it That was not the nicest comment from your grandmother, but I must admit she does have a point. Most people are pretty unattractive when they cry, but who cares? They cry too.

      I can fully understand your tears at the loss of your family members. When I was in the process of watching my step-dad pass away within a very short two week time frame, I cried almost endlessly. There are some times that it cannot be contained. I used every silly song I could think of, but the tears kept flowing anyway.

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  6. Sammy D. says:

    Wow, there are times when I could have really used that tip about silly songs to keep from showing my tears, mostly in tough work situations. Retirement makes that less of a problem!

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  7. suzjones says:

    Yes crying does make us vulnerable and these days it seems that tears are always just below the surface with me. Someone just has to say something nice to me and I feel my eyes well up.
    I was told that a good trick is to stick your head in a freezer for a minute to fix your face and eyes if you cry. Haven’t tried it though.

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    • mewhoami says:

      It sure does! It’s good that you allow yourself to feel and show those emotions though. It’s very healthy to do so. That’s a nice trick. I may have to try it if the need arises. haha.. “Fix your face.” I used to heat that when I’d frown and get angry at my parents.

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  8. stacilys says:

    Hey there, great post. Crying, hmmmmmm. I’m all for letting it all out. However, I hate being depressed. Emotional tears contain chemicals, hormones and endorphines. When we cry emotional tears, we do ourselves good by releasing those things. I guess you can say it’s like detoxifying or cleansing. I was reading that emotional tears and tears that you get by cutting an onion are totally different. The ones that aren’t because of emotions are like 98 % water or something like that. Interesting eh.
    I have struggled with depression myself, and even started writing a song for the depressed. I thought about it because of your opening line about they eyes being the window to the soul. The opening verse to the song has the same words.
    I can see through this window to you soul
    There’s a need to know peace, to find some calm
    Tranquility
    I can see
    You’re just like me.

    In your eyes, sad sad eyes
    Your eyes, sad sad eyes
    In your eyes, sad sad eyes
    Sad sad eyes

    πŸ™‚

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    • mewhoami says:

      That makes sense to me. Crying due to onions caused an entirely different kind of stress and emotion. I hate being depressed too. Luckily, that is one thing that I don’t suffer from often. I get down sometimes, but everyone does. I like the song, even thought it’s sad.

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  9. I like that. Nice.

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  10. I have gotten started – at work – and been unable to stop. Ended up in the ER. So yeah, I don’t like to cry.

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  11. Don Charisma says:

    Lovely thoughtful writing … crying without the tears πŸ˜€

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