Spying Eyes

Like many girls, I had a diary as a child. That is where my deepest thoughts were kept. There were entries about various people, what they had done and how I felt about them. Some were friends and others family. It is also where I wrote my secrets.

People can be snoopy, especially siblings. Because of that, I knew that at any moment my diary could be found and read by those living in my home. The same people who I had written about on the pages inside. Therefore, I decided to post the following warning on the inside cover of my diary:

“To anyone who may read this diary – First of all, no one should be reading this. If you are, I apologize for whatever it may say that may upset you. This entire diary is full of my most personal feelings and things I have done that I want no one to know about. Many of which I regret. So if anyone is reading this, again I apologize and I want you to keep in mind that this is all from the past.” ~ written 1995

Even though this blog is on the world wide web and anyone can see it, at any given moment, the warning above still applies.

When I began this blog, it was for the purpose of helping me along my path toward self improvement. It was a place where I could learn myself, by being able to be myself. Out in the real world we are always trying to live up to the expectations of others. Out there, I try my best to be everything that I’m supposed to be. I put on the smile that everyone wants to see and the laughter people expect to hear.

In reality my life is pretty good, especially compared to how it could be. I have a great deal of things to be thankful for. However, I certainly don’t have it all put together and I doubt that I ever will. Learning is a life long journey. I needed a place where I could just be me. The inner me remains just that. On the inside and that gets tiring. She wants to live too.

On here, I don’t have to put on a smile if I don’t feel like it. I also have the liberty to share my thoughts and opinions openly. That’s something that is very difficult to do in the real world, because as much as people say they don’t judge you, they do. (That is why I have chosen to remain anonymous on this blog.) To my readers, if you judge me, you judge me. It bothers me to a degree, but it doesn’t have nearly the same impact as it does from those who I know personally.

To any snoopers who may drop by, this is my outlet. This is the inner me. The ‘me’ that I spend so much of my time keeping quiet, keeping hidden. She needs to breathe. She may be down one day, up the next. She may be opinionated and sometimes just strange. One thing is for certain, she’s going to speak what’s on her mind.

So as I said in my warning above, if you decide to read what is written here, “I apologize for whatever it may say that may upset you.” With that, be thankful that I have a place to breathe. This blog has been a tremendous help to me.

It’s also not all about selfish gain, because what I learn here is constantly being shared with those in my real life. Whether it be compassion, understanding, different perspectives or changing the way I respond to situations, other people benefit from this as well. It’s not all about me. It’s also about you, the reader – whoever you are.

As for my fellow bloggers – thank you. You have all had such a great impact on my life. You have taught me many things. You have changed my way of thinking. Through your posts, I have discovered my flaws and weaknesses. You have made me cry and you have made me laugh. I appreciate you. All of you.