I read a post the other day regarding a personality test. For fun and to see how accurate the results would be, I decided to take it. The results were interesting. Most were right on and others were a bit off. Overall however, the test is a great way to get to know yourself better.
According to the test, I’m an INTJ (introverted-intuitive-thinking-judging). Here are two characteristics that I found most interesting in the test results.
“Independent and Decisive”: That one was right on. The explanation behind this, was not following popular ideas just because an authority figure says that I should. In order for me to follow along with an idea, there must be a valid and rational reason behind it. Otherwise, I’ll stick with my own opinion. It also said that I am resistant to conflicts and remain calm in emotional situations. That’s true. However, if you knew me 15 years ago, that was not the case. But, life changes people. Now, I do all I can to avoid conflict. Those situations make me very uncomfortable.
“High self-confidence”: I’m pretty sure the test took another person’s answers for that one. I do not have high self-confidence. To be fair, after reading that, I sat back and analyzed myself just to be sure. After a short while, I confirmed the inaccuracy of that result.
Never in my life have I had high self-confidence or high self-esteem. Granted, I knew that I could accomplish anything that I set out to do, but it also didn’t take much to make me feel like a failure.
I’ve always been very hard on myself, even as a child. There were many times that I inflicted my own self punishment for acting in any way that I later deemed to be unacceptable. Whether it was in speech or a physical action, if it didn’t seem appropriate to me, I paid for it. In a sense, I’ve never grown out of that. The punishment doesn’t consist of external pain anymore, but internal instead. I’m constantly getting onto myself for things said and done.
Often times, it feels as though nothing I do is right. Things I say are often misunderstood. Helpful actions toward others are taken as an insult. My opinions and ideas are illogical. During innocent conversations, I’m seen as an instigator. My silence is viewed as disagreement. By standing rather than sitting in social gatherings, I’m seen as uninterested, uncaring and selfish.
My polite requests are shrugged off, as if my voice is nothing but wind. Other people get the credit for the work I do, making me appear as though I do nothing. But, I don’t speak up. What’s the point? Get the credit. I don’t need it.
In abilities, I lack confidence as well. For instance, I love to sing and am half way decent at it, but it’s never something that I would do in public. Oh, and that makes me prideful. I’m prideful because I’m shy. Who knew?
I over analyze myself. One odd look or one negative word thrown in my direction can cause me to spend the entire day beating myself up, trying to figure out what I did wrong and how it can be changed.
Then, there’s my writing. How will it be perceived by others? I don’t want to be seen as a complainer or someone whose life is miserable. Take this post for instance. I’ve considered deleting it several times already and it hasn’t even been published yet. Complaining drives me crazy and over sharing scares me. But, I’m writing it for a reason. Sometimes the only way you can make sense out of things is by letting them out and to get insight from others.
This post also shows just how hard I am on myself, and I don’t like it. Someone this morning mentioned how they would change a certain behavior of theirs, if they were given the opportunity to relive their past. I would do the same. If I could go back in time, I would be less hard on myself. That would allow for much more fun and the freedom to just be ‘me’.
It’s an irritating thing to go through life feeling as though nothing you do is right. What’s interesting, and I can even admit this, is that most of the time it’s completely unjustified. I have no reason for my lack of self-confidence. I was raised to believe in myself and was given all the motivation I needed, to be and to feel successful. Still, low self-confidence and low self-esteem is a constant struggle for me and frankly, it’s dumb.
Regarding the personality test, some of the results are right on target. Others I suppose, are the characteristics that a person is supposed to have under a specific personality type. That leads me to wonder, what went wrong in the process. If everything else fits, where did the self-confidence run off to? I guess I should go find it.
Life is all about learning and improving. We can always be better!