There are nights that I sleep well and many other nights that I lay awake for hours, thinking. Last night was one of those sleepless nights. I drifted off here and there, but never for long periods of time.
I was awake almost the whole night through, asking myself questions, searching for answers and pondering life’s many paths. Nights like those are very tiresome, both physically and mentally. Needless to say, by the time morning finally came, I was completely drained.
Per a friend’s request for a specific picture, I had to go through my special box of memories today. While flipping through the pictures, letters and cards, I ran across a letter which tied in perfectly with the sleepless night I just had. This letter was written by me, to no one. It was one of those letters where I let all my emotions, fears and thoughts flow onto the paper, hoping that no one will ever read it. It was written about 5 1/2 years ago and was 5 pages long.
Although the words were written back then, I could easily have written those same words today. It was a very strange feeling. I wrote things in that letter that spoke so closely to my life as it is now. Reading it was very discouraging. Even after 5 years, nothing has changed. All the things in my life that I struggled with then, I’m still struggling with now. I suppose that’s because I can’t change everything. Some things are beyond my control and others must change with time.
Another finding came out of that box today. I was reminded why it is that I rarely go through the box in the first place. It contains my entire life’s memories through pictures, letters, cards and newspaper clippings. Memories are both wonderful and heartbreaking. I spent a good two hours laughing, crying and sighing as various moments of my life passed through my hands.
When a box of memories is opened, there is such a wide range of emotions inside. It’s similar to a Jack in the Box and sometimes just as scary. As I put that box away, my mind was left with happiness, sadness, comfort and regrets. It was an emotional roller coaster tucked inside of a 4-sided cardboard box. I don’t think I’ll be going through it again anytime soon.
Even so, if there’s ever a fire then that box of memories is coming with me. After all, my whole life is in there.
Me - Who am I? 
Gosh I have a box (actually it’s a safe… I have too many secrets) just like this and I have similar feelings when I go through it… Some things never seem to change, mostly the internal struggles or uncertainties. Other things I have found myself amazed by how much I don’t relate to them anymore.
Your desire to save this painful box from fire is really interesting… But I’d likely do the same. Most of my journals are full of a lot of pain and dark times… But I could never get rid of them. That’s for a trusted friend to take care of in the event of my untimely death 😉
LikeLike
A safe. That may not be a bad idea. That would help in cases of fire and snoopers alike. I like your point about things that you don’t relate to anymore. There are a few of those in our boxes as well and finding them brings a sense of satisfaction and relief.
Well, I figure that although there are many painful memories in the box, there are also many wonderful ones. Both of which, showcase the journey of my life. Journals – that’s a whole other animal. Having those is a safe probably wouldn’t hurt either.
LikeLike
I have several boxes like that. They are filled with cards, letters and other memorabilia. Some of what I find in those boxes is cringeworthy now but back when I wrote it, it was important to me. I can’t really say that my life is in the box because I’m living my life every day. I’m making new memories and learning new things.
Maybe I should start another box and fill it with my hopes for the future. 😉
LikeLike
Those boxes, cringeworthy contents and all, are very precious. I agree that we are presently living our lives and making new memories. But, the memories in those boxes can never be replaced. Thank you for your comment. Have a terrific day!
LikeLike
Oh…that took me to around Christmas time last year. I pulled out my “journal” which I rarely write in because I get hung up on making sense, using proper syntax, etc. *eye roll* one of my quirks. Anyway, the first entry was dated January 1, 2003. Same exact words and feelings I had 10 years later. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and how did I let 10 years go by without making some sort of change. That was my beginning. I hope that on January 1, 2014, my words are more encouraging. 🙂
LikeLike
“That was my beginning.” These words will likely stick with me for a while. Why don’t people change? Why do we hang on to the same feelings, perspectives and situations for so long? A change is indeed in order. Perhaps I should write once a year in my journal as well, so that I can see how I’ve changed and in which ways I still need to. Thank you for this comment, April.
LikeLike
Pingback: Little Girl in Big Shoes | Me – Who am I?