There are nights that I sleep well and many other nights that I lay awake for hours, thinking. Last night was one of those sleepless nights. I drifted off here and there, but never for long periods of time.
I was awake almost the whole night through, asking myself questions, searching for answers and pondering life’s many paths. Nights like those are very tiresome, both physically and mentally. Needless to say, by the time morning finally came, I was completely drained.
Per a friend’s request for a specific picture, I had to go through my special box of memories today. While flipping through the pictures, letters and cards, I ran across a letter which tied in perfectly with the sleepless night I just had. This letter was written by me, to no one. It was one of those letters where I let all my emotions, fears and thoughts flow onto the paper, hoping that no one will ever read it. It was written about 5 1/2 years ago and was 5 pages long.
Although the words were written back then, I could easily have written those same words today. It was a very strange feeling. I wrote things in that letter that spoke so closely to my life as it is now. Reading it was very discouraging. Even after 5 years, nothing has changed. All the things in my life that I struggled with then, I’m still struggling with now. I suppose that’s because I can’t change everything. Some things are beyond my control and others must change with time.
Another finding came out of that box today. I was reminded why it is that I rarely go through the box in the first place. It contains my entire life’s memories through pictures, letters, cards and newspaper clippings. Memories are both wonderful and heartbreaking. I spent a good two hours laughing, crying and sighing as various moments of my life passed through my hands.
When a box of memories is opened, there is such a wide range of emotions inside. It’s similar to a Jack in the Box and sometimes just as scary. As I put that box away, my mind was left with happiness, sadness, comfort and regrets. It was an emotional roller coaster tucked inside of a 4-sided cardboard box. I don’t think I’ll be going through it again anytime soon.
Even so, if there’s ever a fire then that box of memories is coming with me. After all, my whole life is in there.